You Are Worth More Than You'll Ever Know

I came to the sad realization this past weekend of how real suicide is.  It is a real thought that crosses so many people’s minds, but for some, they execute that thought completely, leaving this world forever.  Their presence disappears and their memory can only be retrieved through pictures and stories. 

I’m sure by now many of you have heard the tragic story of the UPenn track star, Madison, that committed suicide on January 17.  This girl lived three miles away from me, and though I did not know her personally, she was still apart of my community.  Bergen County is a close-knit area; one school’s loss is another school’s loss.  Particularly in the track world, where this girl thrived, teammates stretch beyond your own school.  Many of my close friends have competed against her in soccer or have watched her compete at track meets; she was “iconic,” as her father mentioned in his interview with Darren Cooper, journalist for Varsity Aces. 

After being completely distraught that a girl my age, in my grade, living only a few miles up the road is completely gone, I couldn’t stay focused.  I felt so bleh and my face was emotionless, although my heavy heart was becoming difficult to carry any further.  It wasn’t until my mom called me the afternoon I found out of this tragic death to make sure that I was doing alright that I completely broke down crying.  I could not wrap my head around the fact that this girl was gone from this world.  I couldn’t understand that she felt such a heavy burden in her heart that she couldn’t find the correct means of dealing with her depression.  It haunted me that she was in the process of receiving help from a psychologist, but whatever creature took over her mind was too powerful to cease her suicidal thoughts and plans. 

It’s a surreal thing to think about, especially when you don’t know the person personally.  When there’s no direct connection, it’s easy to think she’s still living her life, but that isn’t the case.  I came to the conclusion that despite how well you knew her, there was still so much hurt and despair that was being felt by people nationwide, especially those her age.  We are all hit by this story in a different way.  For me, it reaffirms my passion for psychology and pushes me along to earn my PhD, so I can help people feeling this burden.  I want to conquer the demons in anyone’s distressed heads.  I want to get down to the problem and solve it. 

This story particularly hit home for me, especially after dealing with forms of depression in middle school.  Three years of bullying had me feeling so low, that I didn’t really know what to expect going into school each day.  I felt helpless, but the support from my family was impeccable.  Without them, I don’t know where I would be.  I was lucky to overcome such adversity, and that’s why I think I took everything and ran with it, eager to help others feeling low and on the outside.

In these ways, the issue of depression hits home to me; it allows me to relate to her on a different level.  It makes me want to help.  It makes me wish I knew how to change things.  It makes me realize that suicide is a persistent issue that affects people of all backgrounds—from the super popular genius and track star trying to keep up with daily pressures, to the boy or girl feeling like they cannot even identify who they are.  All types of people feel depression and anxiety and contemplate suicide. 

Repeat after me: You are beautiful and you mean something to someone.  Your disappearance would break hearts everywhere.  You can find a better way to overcome any obstacle you are faced with.  You can persevere. 

I think through all of this, one song has been echoing in my mind.  It’s called ‘Why’ by country band Rascal Flatts:

You must have been in a place so dark

You couldn’t feel the light

Reachin’ for you through that stormy cloud

Now here we are gathered in our little hometown

This can’t be the way you meant to draw a crowd.

It sort of sets the preface for how all of Northern New Jersey, and even individuals further than the Garden State have been feeling, hearts aching for this girl who couldn’t find the light.

Oh why, there’s no comprehending,

And who am I to try to judge or explain,

Oh but I do have one burning question

Who told you life wasn’t worth the fight?

They were wrong, they lied.

I can’t even begin to wrap my head around everything this story has shown, but one thing I do know is that we all should be aware of the impact this has caused.  All of the “I had no idea she was going through such a dark time” responses that have escalated show that sometimes there is no way to tell when someone is battling depression, but it is a message to those fighting these demons that you are not alone and there are people you can share your thoughts with- always. 

Life is a whole lot sweeter with you in it. 

Rest in the sweetest peace, Madison Holleran.

Danielle